just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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