She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
