Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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