I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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