he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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