today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
