i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
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Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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