We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
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Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
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Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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