I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
