Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize