I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
