Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
