If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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