I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
