I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
