I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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