My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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