I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
