she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
