i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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