I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
