mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
