You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
