I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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