On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
