She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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