I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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