No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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