I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
