i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
