I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
