I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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