Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
