i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
