Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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