thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
