I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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