The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
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