i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
MIDGETS
????
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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