dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
