Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
