i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
