I wish my penis had an off switch
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.