Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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