My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
