Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
