I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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