He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
