yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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