im having a threesome with these popsicles
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
