The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
