At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
